Oh, wow. I think I just figured out a huge part of this. My whole goddamned life has been driven by school. I am smart, I make fantastic grades, and I didn't ever stick to an after school activity because school work WAS the after school activity.

      So basically I never realized I could have asked to take some hobby classes or like pursue something outside of school, and we're back to school being my whole life. Did great, got a scholarship, life happened, depression blah blah blah, lost "everything".

      That statement alone is all the telling I need to do. School is not fucking everything. I am still worth something if I'm making B's, or even C's, on a regular basis. I need to STOP driving my self literally sick with worry just because I don't have as much time to spend on producing shiny A++++++++'s like I used to be able to. That's not who I am and it's not going to define what I do or where I go for the rest of my life.

      I can... do other stuff. I KNEW this, and yet I have been torturing myself subconsciously. This is sick. I lost my scholarships, etc, moved back home and died inside some more, worked, died differently, came back and it's my fault that I have to work all the time to put myself through school, yes, but you know what? Shit happens. I made this happen to myself and that's okay. The goal here is once again survival, so let these grade hangups go and just get this shit done. This is so far from everything. I am so upset right now.