I've been crying a lot, randomly. Sitting on the couch. Driving. In bed. In my kitchen. This could be because I forget to take a moment after having school all day and then after 8 hour work shifts to relax for a second, but I don't know. I've been feeling overwhelmed and pointless again. Maybe it's the new birth control. My boobs sure feel heavier.

      I'm starting to realize that I'm coming back to a lot of the same shit that I really and truly loved in middle school: I'm dying my hair soon, I think about little silly craft things to do by myself, I'm rediscovering music I liked, making food I ate then, AKA all the shit I sort of slowly shoved to the side for various people the last few years for one reason or another. Fuck them. Fuck them all. How dare they play such an insidious hand in killing my spirit without ever saying "Sorry, I should probably stop being such a selfish asshole and remind you to do what makes you happy because I, like everyone, will eventually leave you to your own devices AFTER I HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL THE ONES THAT HELP YOU MOST." 

      *Hem* But yeah, basically I'm still working on getting back to the me that I loved the most. I really forgot how much self-hate I let slip into my thinking these last few years. I don't care if you think I'm -adjective here- because motherfucker I like myself -such and such- ways. I will shave my goddamned head on one side and wear two different striped socks if I so please and eat whatever the fuck I want because IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU and I will trust no bitch. If there is even a single thing that gives me joy in this life why would you try to take that away? So many middle fingers I would like to put in your mouth.

      I should probably sleep. I should make more friends that make me feel hopeful to be alive. And then we can make stupid food like world pizzas and find creepy websites like boohbah zone and dress up in awkward clothing and hide in Sears. I would like to make a friend who understands that I don't do drugs both because of my mental health and because I like the challenge of having to find other worlds via ways other than getting off your face. This has been derailed but all of this is true. I don't know. I am tired and sad, goodnight.