Oh, wow. I think I just figured out a huge part of this. My whole goddamned life has been driven by school. I am smart, I make fantastic grades, and I didn't ever stick to an after school activity because school work WAS the after school activity.

      So basically I never realized I could have asked to take some hobby classes or like pursue something outside of school, and we're back to school being my whole life. Did great, got a scholarship, life happened, depression blah blah blah, lost "everything".

      That statement alone is all the telling I need to do. School is not fucking everything. I am still worth something if I'm making B's, or even C's, on a regular basis. I need to STOP driving my self literally sick with worry just because I don't have as much time to spend on producing shiny A++++++++'s like I used to be able to. That's not who I am and it's not going to define what I do or where I go for the rest of my life.

      I can... do other stuff. I KNEW this, and yet I have been torturing myself subconsciously. This is sick. I lost my scholarships, etc, moved back home and died inside some more, worked, died differently, came back and it's my fault that I have to work all the time to put myself through school, yes, but you know what? Shit happens. I made this happen to myself and that's okay. The goal here is once again survival, so let these grade hangups go and just get this shit done. This is so far from everything. I am so upset right now.

      I've been crying a lot, randomly. Sitting on the couch. Driving. In bed. In my kitchen. This could be because I forget to take a moment after having school all day and then after 8 hour work shifts to relax for a second, but I don't know. I've been feeling overwhelmed and pointless again. Maybe it's the new birth control. My boobs sure feel heavier.

      I'm starting to realize that I'm coming back to a lot of the same shit that I really and truly loved in middle school: I'm dying my hair soon, I think about little silly craft things to do by myself, I'm rediscovering music I liked, making food I ate then, AKA all the shit I sort of slowly shoved to the side for various people the last few years for one reason or another. Fuck them. Fuck them all. How dare they play such an insidious hand in killing my spirit without ever saying "Sorry, I should probably stop being such a selfish asshole and remind you to do what makes you happy because I, like everyone, will eventually leave you to your own devices AFTER I HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL THE ONES THAT HELP YOU MOST." 

      *Hem* But yeah, basically I'm still working on getting back to the me that I loved the most. I really forgot how much self-hate I let slip into my thinking these last few years. I don't care if you think I'm -adjective here- because motherfucker I like myself -such and such- ways. I will shave my goddamned head on one side and wear two different striped socks if I so please and eat whatever the fuck I want because IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU and I will trust no bitch. If there is even a single thing that gives me joy in this life why would you try to take that away? So many middle fingers I would like to put in your mouth.

      I should probably sleep. I should make more friends that make me feel hopeful to be alive. And then we can make stupid food like world pizzas and find creepy websites like boohbah zone and dress up in awkward clothing and hide in Sears. I would like to make a friend who understands that I don't do drugs both because of my mental health and because I like the challenge of having to find other worlds via ways other than getting off your face. This has been derailed but all of this is true. I don't know. I am tired and sad, goodnight.