It's  back. I was just shaking and sobbing and hyperventilating and I can't tell anyone. Which, feeling like I have to hide it is really the tip off that something's wrong so I need to write this and work through it.

     When I say "It's back," it's not that it ever left. I know that, but people may think it's something that does "leave" as opposed to being something I'm always waiting to resurface if they watch me, because I cope by being extra silly. And man does it work like a charm. People don't ask questions, and I can even get myself to a point where I can feel okay long enough to fool myself. But it still ultimately feels like that, like I'm lying to myself.

      It's the same concept as my contempt for everyone. I genuinely cannot grasp the concept of "people are basically good." I 100% truly believe that everyone is evil and that dying is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves or the world. I want to be able to think of people as redeemable/kind/worth talking to/not worthy of my automatic suspicion and caution, but man, there is so much bad shit in this world and lately I FEEL it.

      Like the empathy is the worst part. I spiral and think about the pain in my head, then my interpersonal connections, and then their connections, and then the world, and then all the bad shit people do TO the world and I just get paralyzed with actual physical pain.

      I was in utter hysterics the other day because of looking at the videos of bats being rescued and rehabilitated, which is duh, good, but I started thinking about science and research yay discovery but then of the pain and confused fear the animals had to experience so that we, fucking humans who obviously are so grand and worthy of everything, can advance. And maybe it's that long spiel that makes me cry about that subject but it might also be the way I can genuinely relate to those animals and how they must have felt in those moments.

      It's like when I start to have an attack to the point where my brain's natural defense is to dissociate. Do you know how scary that is? Losing all concept of reality and of "I"? Just shutting down. Thing is I find myself kind of wishing to be able to go away for a while again, which is what worries half of me most. I asked if it was back and got the answer "yes" from a different bit of me and the fact that I can still differentiate these pieces is also upsetting.

      Things are just getting bad again and I'm afraid that I'll start to have the daily struggle again. It's been so easy lately to be a little nice bright bubble to try and cheer everyone else up. I've been cleaning and doing thoughtful things for people so they maybe can feel happy that day and that makes me feel worthy of living but then I remember that we are all horrible people and it doesn't really make sense to be doing any of this and I don't want to live.

      At least now I think I'm to the point where I can tell myself to harbor my bad seed and do those good things for people even if they seem pointless, just so I can survive. Because unfortunately for me I've come to find that I'm still playing that survival game and maybe it won't ever change.

      Maybe one day I can write really good acerbic stand up comedy.