Man, you are CRAZY.

Like. Don't even.

Potential Borderline Personality is fresh and exciting, all that crying and twitching and trying not to pull your skin off or hit yourself. You don't sound incredibly unstable when you talk to yourself like you're standing right beside you. The fact that you identify with otherings of yourself more and more often is definitely probably nothing to worry about. Kids these days, right?

But really please don't let yourself slip again. You did a really good job today coming back. I stared into space for 2 hours and it only felt like 20 minutes, and time did a speed-up visual trick which was overwhelming and upsetting but the fact that you actually responded to your friend's concerns for you is nice.

I don't know what was up with not wanting your best friend anywhere near you until after the other one hugged you though. I think I couldn't do the hyper-rational everything stems from some fixed point or stimulus in the recent past thing. I needed someone who understood that crazy is as crazy does sometimes and I really can't do much better than I already was right then.

I went back and read my old blog just now and I have to say it is a little unnerving how early on I was experiencing a lot of this and how crippling my depression was. Like 2010 was bad, but DAMN. I described things with a cryptic clarity that can only now really hit home. I'm kind of upset that I didn't fully realize how bad things were. I thought a lot of it was stupid teenage emotions but nope. Nuh uh, between the borderline delusional thinking and the huge gray blocks of time in my memory I know I started really slipping a lot earlier than this last spring.

Good news though. For the first time in what has to be years, I was laying in bed and marveling at the complete lack of bad feelings helplessly blocking me from feeling anything else. Content isn't the word, but I was kind of calm I guess. I wasn't totally miserable or inescapably angry is the point. I did notice though how it felt like that relatively good was actually its own sort of trap, boxing me in and putting a pane of glass between me and the very very real and familiar thoughts/feelings/states of badness below, and not being able to dive into those and figure them out was its own kind of torture in a Vicodin Barbie sort of way.

Buuuuuuut I'm getting better at not getting stuck on a negative emotion or thought. I usually try to remember how I used to live (looooong time ago, seems like) where my actions were driven by wanting to do good for other people. Being thoughtful was MY JAM, man. And I think one huge thing that actually grounded me a little to get this doing-for-others thought process started was bestie making some kind of comment about wanting support and finding it lacking from people it shouldn't be lacking from, and that definitely hit me in the face since mostly-healthy me was ALL ABOUT being a proper friend to him especially.

So yeah. I bought everyone *read: the only people I really talk to/care to see ever* Christmas presents this year and I really love the anticipation of waiting to see if I got it right or not. Reminds me of the Spring break in 8th grade where I was SUPER productive and crafty. I was at the absolute top of my game for that one single week and I have NEVER gotten back to that point. Which is concerning given that I had a huge eating disorder back then. BUT I do now notice that was perhaps the only year I was without a singular central "best friend" figure to attach to, which resulted in this giant net of 12 friends who I had the most fun with, and I still think of that as one of the best years of my life so perhaps there's something to that. Lack of singular external person to focus on equals more self-reliance/internal reflection in order to enable stable and enthused interactions with larger more activity driven groups? Hm.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in my head. I'm still scared as hell to go back to college. WILLINGLY go back to the place that saw my utter loss of mental control and completely broke me apart? Sure, sounds dandy. I do keep saying I'll be fine and maybe I'll believe that when it really counts, but I DO really know that I have people behind me this time. I won't just be floating alone out there. The best friend and the other one will talk to me and visit, and my mom is a little more aware of my mental state and sister is still sister and I'm trying to feel like I'm worth it for me too. We'll see. I want to do things, not just lay there all day again. Don't do that.

WOW, NOVEL.